Cliff W. S. : Sober but not sombre

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Cliff W. S.

Sober but not sombre

Sobriety Days So Far: 7417 Days

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About Me

Basic Information

Gender: Male
Birthday: 12/18/1941
Sobriety Date: 02/02/1992
Primary Program: AA
About me: Hi Folks,
I guess its time to do a little re-intro?
I'm an alcoholic addict and my name is Cliff. My
father
was a bigamist (irish, non-drinker)using an alias
when he met my mother. He abandoned us when I was
2 years old. Near that time my grandparents had
taken over the job of raising me when grampa was
70. He put me through school, took me 10 years to
get
grade 8. I dropped out 3 months into grade 9 and
waited till I turned 17 to get my mother to sign
the papers to get me into the airborne infantry.
My grandfather always had booze on hand but I
never remember seeing him drunk. A lot of people
that know me say that they never knew that I had
a drinking problem, because they never noticed me
drunk either. If a visitor came to grampa's house
they were always asked immediately if they would
like some wine, beer or hard stuff. If they
didn't they weren't thirsty and my grandpa would
get something for himself. I remember getting
offered a little glass of wine when I was at most
10 years old, appreciating the glow and warm
feeling that it gave me. I soon started going
down to the wine
cellar to get into the barrels of wine there. I
never got rip roaring drunk and there was so many
barrels that I don't think any of it was ever
missed.
With my stint in the army, the real heavy
drinking started. I don't ever remember having a
good drunk in he army ? It was always to excess.
There might have been at most 10 in the whole
battalion that didn't drink. They were weird
people. Social outcasts. Misfits that never
seemed to mix with the others. The heavy drinking
caused severe depressions and it seemed the only
way out was for me to get drunk again ? It was an
endless
cycle of getting drunk slipping into depression
feeling like the world and the army was not a
place for me. One day a buddy came to me to say
goodbye because he was going over the hill. I
told him to wait until I was finished polishing
my jump boots and I would go with him out the
back
gate to visit his folks a 1000 miles away on the
west coast of Canada.We left with about $5
between the 2 of us to hitchhike a ride to
Vancouver.
It was a nice visit and I had to turn myself into
the army before the 2 weeks was up. Up till 2
weeks was only absent without leave, AWOL. After
that I would have been classed as a deserter.
Thats a black mark that stays with you for a
lifetime. I didn't want that. When back at base
they gave me my punishment. Confined to
barracks for 10 days. Doesn't seem to be too much
but every 4 hours 6 times a day I had to be on
the parade square in full battle dress for
inspection.
Didn't leave a whole lot of time to get too
drunk. More depression. Before a week had passed
I was out the back gate again with a mickey of
whiskey and less than a $ in change to go AWOL to
my home in Ontario, almost 3000 miles away. Took
me 5 days to get there hitch hiking. Before the 2
weeks was
up, of course I had to turn myself in because no
one wants to be branded as a deserter. They kept
me in the guardhouse because they didn't want me
going out the back gate again. I knew that I was
in big trouble, I refused to eat told them that
I wasn't hungry, wet the bed several times
deliberately, went up to the CO and he told me
that I was going to have to go for physciatric
evaluation. This I had heard of before. The first
thing that the shrink was going to do was ask if
you wanted out of the army, and if'n you said yes
back into the "Piss Can" army prison. Not a soft
go there. Sure enough the shrink told me that if
all I wanted was out of the army he had the
papers right there on the desk and all he had to
do was sign the papers and I would be free. Yah
right !!! I told him that I loved the army and
planned on making a lifetime carreer out of it.
He knew then, that I was nuts and told me that I
would
be staying in the hospital till he said that I
was better. Couldn't get any booze in there ? He
decided that I was feeling sorry for myself and
put me where I might get the most good ? He put
me into a semi- private room with another bed
with a quadrapalegic
fireman who had been injured in a fire where a
wall had fallen on him. This shrink was no dumbo
thats for sure ? Here I was feeling sorry for
myself and this guy had been lying on this
special bed that turned several times a day to
stop bed sores. He was really an angry person. He
shouted at everyone including me.One day the
candy striper was brushing his false teeth he was
being unusually nice to this gal. Then he asked
her to go get something at the nurses station for
him and as soon as she left the room he got me to
go into his drawer to get an extra set of uppers
out and put his lowers into the drawer. He was
still
nice as apple pie with this sweet gal who
couldn't have been any older than I was. Then
when she was done brushing the two sets of uppers
she attempted
to put the dentures back into her mouth. The more
she tried the angrier he got with her, he
screamed at her and swore like a trooper till
finally she
ran out of the room in tears. The head nurse came
back and she knew right away what had happened
and gave both of us Hell !!! I felt like hell for
the first time in that hospital. After three
weeks
the shrink said that he had decided that even
though I wanted to make a career out of the army
that I was unfit for regular duty and was going
to sign the papers to have me honouraby
discharged. I was given a military escort in
handcuffs to the
barracks and kept in he guardhouse to await
transportation to the army discharge centre in
Calgary several hundred miles away. Again they
put me in handcuffs and gave me a military escort
to the discharge centre where I was kept under
guard until my papers came through. They gave
me a train ticket home and a $100 to get home.
This kept me drunk for the 2 day train ride
home. When I got home I was only 18 years old in
uniform, went to the local mining company to get
hired. They asked for my discharge papers which
were in order and they asked me why my service
time was less than 2 years? I told them that my
folks had a big family and my stepfather, was an
unsucessful salesman and needed financial help at
home so they let me out.
I started right away with INCO at the
smelters making big union wages. We were a local
of 17,000 strong and they paid big bucks to keep
us from going on strike. Easy money and enough to
party party party. My stepfather threw me out of
the house one morning when I came in drunk at 3
am. The drinking age in Ontario at that time was
21. I went to a friends place to stay with his
widowed mother and sisters. Didn't get what I
wanted there and was gone to another friends
mother to board with her because she needed the
money. (she had kicked out her alcoholic husband
6 months before.) He was at AA but she was having
nothing to do with him ever again. We did a fair
bit of social drinking together and within about
8 weeks I had moved out of my room into hers. She
was 54 and I had just turned 19. This went on for
3+1/2 years and I left her because she wouldn't
make an honourable man of me by marrying me.
Drunk and insane ?
I liked the idea, for the first time
I could carry on with being the playboy that I
had always wanted to be. I had a couple different
dates every week. I was doing just fine working
making big bucks getting drunk. I was starting to
figure that there was easier ways of doing this
thing ? I was spending far too much time working
when I should be doing the party thing? I started
to work 2 or 3 days a week or then sometimes
working for several weeks straight filling up my
closet with booze and spagetti, then I would take
a couple weeks off to party for a couple weeks
straight. I would get a dr's slip to return to
work and start the routine over and over again.
There's a lot to be said for a strong union but
sometimes it gets missused ?
After a couple years of never paying my
bills, my teeth rotted out because why spend
money on teeth when you could buy booze ? I
started to get depressed even while drinking. The
bill
collectors kept hounding me for money, they
wanted
their cut and ended up taking 20% of my paycheck.
I had learned that I could make a fair living
driving taxi and bootlegging during one of our
layoffs at Inco in 1962. Why have the leeches
taking money off my paycheck when I knew of a
taxi company that paid in cash at the end of
every day. With my bootleg money I ended up
clearing more money than I was making at INCO.
There was another bonus too. I would, being the
party animal that I am, keep my ears open
on the nightshift, would join the party goers
when they would invite me in for a drink or two
and I would leave the meter running outside the
house and cover it myself. Still cheaper than
buying my own booze. I met a quite a few
discarded women to spend time with also. Party
Party Party.
Then one day feeling depressed again about
never getting ahead ? Why didn't I get the
breaks that other people got ? I figured that
when I grew
up that I wanted to be like my father figure
"Grampa" He had been retired when I was growing
up and thats what I wanted too ? How could I
possibly have his lifestyle the way that I was
going? I decided to save up a small grubstake to
take the summer completely off work and go
fishing. I had the usual boy scout training and
survival tricks that I had learned in the army. I
had a couple friend drive me to a lake Old Bill
Noganosh had told me about. The nearest road to
this lake was 8 miles away. I would go there on
April 1st when much to my suprise there was ice
on the river and the snow was a couple feet deep.
I packed all my supplies into the canoe and towed
it like a tobogan to get it a few miles every
day. I always carried the essential supplies to
make things comfortable for me as possible. I
had lots of matches, flour to roll the fish in, a
ten lb bag of potatoes, a 5 lb slab of back
bacon, salt,
pepper, 4 or 5 cases of beer, a couple cases of
wine and at least one case of whiskey. Every
essential thing that a fella might need in order
to survive for 5 or 6 months ? I would get lonely
sometimes and a couple times a week I would
walk out to the hwy and over to Bill Noganosh's
place on the Magnetawan Indian reseration. We
were great drinking buddies. I was there when the
natives started to stand up for their rights and
charge the white men to fish for smelts in the
spring when they were running. A lot of men
objected to the fee but reluctantly paid it
because the shoreline on the reserve was a lot
less steep and afforded easier access and a lot
safer to carry your booze down to the river and
to
stagger back up to the road again with the smelts
you had caught. One night I was sitting around
the campfire sharing a few bottles of wine taking
turns getting the money from the white men, when
we heard one of the women screaming her head off
!!! " Get the hell out of here or i'll shove this
log up yer ass !!!" I went over to see two of the
menfolk running over the hill and these two women
arguing with this little white man. He refused
to pay the fee because he had been fishing in
this spot since he was a kid and no indian was
going to start charging him when he knew it was
free. It was very dark except near the fire. I
went to this little guy and told him that they
did own the land and it had always been theirs
but had only this year started to charge for
fishing on their side of the river. I also told
him that I knew these people and they had been
drinking so it could get kinda dangerous here.
After all they had a perfect
right to use their land in the way that they
wanted ? I slowly walked the fella back to the
hwy and he went to fish on the other side of the
river. As I got back to the fire I heard them
talking, " I told you he was our friend, he's ok
?" When I got there they started to pass more
wine my way faster than I could drink it. They
thanked me for my help in handling that
situation and I said hell it was nothing. They
then told me that
it was very brave of me because I coulda got shot
? I said, "What are you talking about ?" That
fella had a gun pointed at your belly and being
drunk he coulda shot you. I told them that if'n I
had known that he had a gun I woulda been runnin
over the hill like the other two fellas. Of
course
they didn't believe me and after a while I
thought, heck if'n they wanta make a hero of me
go ahead. It got so that after the crowds slowed
down they would all go home and leave me there to
charge the white man to go fishin on the
reserve. I always turned in the money to Old
Bill when morning came. It was a great summer for
me and I loved the irresponsible lifestyle that
freedom from work and bills could give me. When
my stash of booze ran out I knew when Old Bill
would be getting his check in the mail and I
would walk the 8 miles out to his place and we
would hitch a ride down to the Point Au Baril
liquor store to get a case of wine. We would go
back to his place get drunk and i would always
stagger back through the bush on the trail that I
had made to my campsite.
Then when the hunting season opened and the
drunks would get out into the bush to fire at
anything that moved, it would be time for me to
go back to work in order to get ready for the
next summer. It was the winter after my 3rd year
of the camping cycle that I first encountered
drugs. I had a couple
fellas in the back of my cab smoking what I was
sure was wacky tobbaco ? I was so sure that I
took a careful look at the address where they
went in and I immediately called the food and
drug administration to report them. They told me
that
I should call the Mounties ? I never did. It
started to become more and more prevalent to see
drugs and then a young pusher tried to get me
hooked and I refused. The second time i accepted.
He sold me a matchbox which rolled into about 10
joints. A couple of friends and I smoked one
after the other until all 10 were gone. I saw the
kid the next day and told him that I didn't get
anything out of it and asked him if he had
anything better. He gave me some purple microdot
LSD and my friends and I went to see the movie
Woodstock which had just come to town. It was at
that movie that I realized that I had been colour
blind all my life. Halfway through the movie the
young punk who sold me the acid showed up in the
theatre and it seemed like he screamed it out to
the rest of the theatre, " I told you that it was
great Acid ! " I sunk into that seat so far I
thought that I was melting into it. I was really
paranoid. Why do we do such things ? I read an
article by Timothy Leary and soon became an LSD
advocate myself. I had to have done at least
several hundred hits of acid. Then there was
mescaline, magic mushrooms, hash, oil, speed
Brrrrrrrrrr ? I did everthing except shoot up.
Never did coke. Prefered Pepsi.
I found that at first drugs weren't as
hard on me as the alcohol was. Then it slowly
changed and the drug abuse started to get to me.
Then back to alcohol until it too took its toll
on me. I was a soon switching back and forth
between alcohol to different drugs always ready
to
try something new. It never got better. Then one
day just outa the bush from my six month camping
trip, after a hit of LSD I went down to do what I
had always wanted but never had the nerve or
qualifications for. I
applied to drive a bus for the city transit. I
lied through my teeth and sure enough got the
job.
Pretty good money to be making just putting in
the winter ? Not as much as for INCO but still I
did alright. I felt right at home dealing with
people who treated me with respect. Did a lot for
my self esteem. Still kept drinking and drugging
though. Then one day a 19 year old gal who rode
downtown and when it was time for her to get off
she got all red in the face and asked me if'n I'd
like some company for a little while. I was 30 at
the time, she was 19 and said sure. She rode with
me until I took the bus to the yard and I walked
her home got her phone # and told her that it
being sunday that I had to work all week and I
would phone her up and we could get to a dance or
something? I called her the next morning and 45
hours after she picked me up I asked her to
marry me.
Still the drinking and drugging went on but
I did change my ways a bit. I knew, being married
that I would have to be serious about my job for
a change, because I was a married man. Then about
20 years ago there was talk about random blood
testing and maybe also after serious accidents. I
knew that you couldn't do most drugs on the
weekend and expect to pass a blood test halfway
through the week. Some drugs can be detected
several months after using. I had to quit them
entirely and became a full blown alchie again.
This I could handle most of the time in
moderation and full blown drunks on the weekend.
Even the holidays weren't too bad. Then as the
years went by the holidays got longer and longer
and I loved
to take them all at once to get away from work
for as long as possible. The last 5 week drunken
holiday I spent in Prince Edward Island. I almost
killed myself. I was so glad to get back to work
because there I had to keep a little bit of
sanity in order to drive a bus. Boy, this
sickness stinks. As the next years vacation got
closer and closer, I got more anxious. I was
going to Florida for 5 weeks. I know you can get
beer and whiskey for less than what we pay for
pepsi at the corner store here in Canada. I knew
that if I went to Fla
for 5 weeks that I would be coming back in a pine
box. A couple weeks after my 50th birthday and
one week before my vacation I walked into the
doors of EhEh central office in our town.I had
thought that was the most degrading thing
that I had ever done in my life but I needed help
from you experts. There was a volunteer named
Charlie in there who shared with me back and
forth and he made me feel like I was worth a
million bucks. I knew that by going to EhEh I was
not degrading myself but making the biggest and
best change in my life that had ever been made.
Imagine, at 50 years old there is actually some
hope for me out there ? That was 17 years ago on
this Groundhog Day.
I have to thank the folks in Florida for
getting me through the first five weeks on the
program. Especially after one meeting near the
end of my holiday. It was at Orlando Central on
50 hwy. At the end of the meeting I was in the
coffee shop talking with an old fella named
George. I told him that I was very grateful to
Fla Eh Eh fer getting me through this 5 week
holiday and that I would be ok when I got back
home, because it was only on holidays that I
would almost kill myself drinking. When I got
home I intended to go back to "normal" drinking
on the weekends which I could handle. Old George
blew up at me !!! "YOU didn't learn a damned
thing down here in these meeting rooms did you ?
You aren't thinking about drinking today or
tomorow, but in 3 or 4 days when you get back to
Canada !!! THIS IS A ONE DAY AT A TIME PROGRAM
!!! " Old George really shook me up with that
one alright. Every year I go back to that meeting
to thank Old George for waking me up and saving
my life.
My first years I became a saint trying
to reform anyone who happened to have a bottle or
glass with an alcoholic beverage in it. The
family used to like having me around
when I was drinking because they could always use
me as a guidline for, " well I might be drunk
but I'm not as bad as Cliff ?"
After I quit drinking the only thing that I would
talk about was my recovery or someone elses
drinking problem. This went on almost 2 years
steady and didn't get back to "normal" until
about
my 4th year of sobriety. Now sometimes I can go a
couple hours without even thinking of my
sobriety. (8-D The family still has
me on the outside looking in for any holidays or
get togethers. My sisters being 12 and 17 years
younger than me always matched me drink for drink
drug for drug when I was practising.
I hope for their sake that they don't wait until
their 50th birthday to sober up?
I have to focus on my sobriety and not on
theirs. They know well enough how I got here. I
told them often enough.
Our son has really been approving of my
sobriety but he got a letdown from that when he
realized that he no longer has his best backup
harmonica player to play with. (8-(
It seems that my heart is not in it anymore ? I
can sometimes get into the mood playing
Appalachian Hymns but can't get into the blues
jam like we used to do. I look at the video's of
us playing great music together with regret when
I was a drunken musician. In the video's I do not
appear drunk ? I had learned to function with the
alcohol and haven't as yet learned to get into
the mood to play like I used to ? I told my son
about a year ago ? " We have to face the fact
that I have to make the choice to be a drunken
musician or be sober? " That is not a choice
because sobriety comes first and formost in
my life. Maybe with God's help I can get the gift
He gave to me back again ? I looked to the
Bible to try understand what has happened
to me and in isaiah 5 : 11 it describes my
problem very well ? I like that description of
it so well that I have my chat and game id on
Yahoo as isayah511 check it out or put me
on your friend list if you use yahoo ?
God Bless YOU and YOURS
Cliff W Smith

http://profile.myspace.com/bigdumox

“Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing it is not fish they are after.” (Henry David Thoreau)

Contact Information

Public Email: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
Address: 5300 W Irlo Bronson
Kissimmee FL
34746
City / Town: Hamilton
Country: Canada
ZIP: L8W2A5
Website: http://profile.myspace.com/bigdumox

Education

College / University: 10 years of primary school

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CharlieG,

Happy Anniversary!

Wednesday, 03 February 2010 03:15

CharlieG,

WOW!! Great story. Thanks for joiing us. So glad that you are with us in EhEh. Try clicking on Canada in your profile and say hello to some of your fellow Canadians.

If you have a second and could post a picture of something for your avatar it will make it easier for people to find our profile and maybe you can pass on some of George's advice?

charlie

Tuesday, 11 August 2009 22:09

CharlieG,

Hi Cliff. Welcome to our group. Thanks for joining our group. Where are you from? I'm in Bethesda MD just outside Washington DC USA