Hello My Name is Denise and I am alcoholic.
I dont feel anyone's bottom is lower than the next.. I truly believe that we are NOT given more than we can handle. so what is extrem to one may be trival to another and vice versa. I dont feel it is about who lost what and how they got there... I believe it is about the soul sickness we endure I feel it is about the loneliness and despair. about dying inside spiritually...
About a yr before I was forced into sobriety I would cry and plead with "God" please help me I cant do this any more.
Every time I would fix or take another shot tears would roll as I begged for help. I was ...Soul Sick. Spiritually dead.
in the Big Book of AA it teaches jails, instiutes and death as 3 certian things if we were to continue in active disease.
I have done all 3 now I know you may say "you'r not dead!" For me personally it was the spiritual death I feel is far worse then the physical death.
that last yr I was ohhh wow... Not at all a nice person. I verbally abused my family I was no longer able to function without a dose or a drink.. I abused myself ,sex... well lets just say I awoke a time or 2 wanting to naw off his/her's arm ...then demand some payment for services rendered. Cause they we're soooo ugly
I no longer lived in sunshine but had moved into darkness. I came to from a couple black outs the 1rst no big...the 2nd VERY scary I awoke but naked in the gutters of East L.A. Comptom. I had began this run with some friends in Palm Springs started it on Friday and woke on weds. Still I was not finished there... I ran for another 4 mos. Then one day my 3 yr old goes out to play when people dressed in black clad and semi automatics in his face screaming "FREEZE"!! Imagine the terror my son must have felt... upon this fatefull day I was not only arrested but my children was litterally torn screaming from my arms as the state took them into protective custody. I awaited sentencing at maximum security Robert Presely County jail in down town Riverside, Cal. ok now I have lost any faith I held onto and now I began to curse God I was angry w/Him for a long time I had prayed begging for His help and this is how I was helped.. Oh I hated God... I detoxed HARD in county for the first time since I was 9 yrs old I didnt have my crutch. I detoxed off alcohol after 20 active yrs of drink and herion after 13 yrs of daily usage.
and who knows what else I had in my system. I had died inside and wanted to just be dead. The county jail I was in was max. securiety. and we were locked in a 2 man cell for about 16 hrs out of 24. I had suffered a "mild" heart attack. I laid for 3 days in my own body fluids b4 the C.O's decide to look in on me....
I was sentenced to 4 yrs state and was housed at Chowchilla woman's correctional facility in N. Calif. still I was not done.my
1rst 6 mos was assingned to the kitchen and me being the good criminal stole the makeings for hooch..Now I am beyond angry w/God. I cursed Him... Did I not ask and pray beg for His help b4?! and this is my help... So one afternoon I am on my way to the library when the biggest bull dyke on the yard(no offense intended) walked up to me put her arm around me (now I think ok this is it this is what we see on tv..) Said:"I know who you are, I know where you have been, and I know away back". As I looked up to the most beautiful eyes so full of compassion and understanding for the 1rst time in I couldnt remeber how long I saw Hope. She took me to my 1rst meeting and becane my 1rst sponsor. She just celebrated 12 yrs sober and is serving a life sentence. Her and I stay in touch. I will FOREVER be greatful for her. she showed me there was hope and that I could recover from what seemed a hopless state as I stood at the gate's of hell.
about 2 1/2 mos. later I am now working step 3. it is the mid. of the night lights out when I realized God had answered my prayer He did NOT leave me but showed me Grace.
I was reading a printed step 3 from the 12 x 12 and I am having a hard time turning over my will to the care of "Some God" I felt had abandoned me.. as I read the paragraph on pg 34 where it teaches us to take action and how it was I who had blocked God out of my life.. well needless to say I went on a trip w/that one who was it who had begged and prayed for a yr for Him to save me... Then it continued on saying that faith to be sure is necassary,but faith alone can avail nothing, we can have faith,yet keep God out... as i read on me being the worldly practical thinker find that this step is impossible for me. how could I turn over to a God who had betrayed me. So like on pg 36 I think if I keep turning over my will to something or somebody what will become of me... how is it I can understand a concept of God or Higher Power and then be willing to turn over to it /him daily? Had I not already turned it over to him when I beged for mercy? fighting my ego I was beginning to become spiritually frustrated, I was soul sick.. The truth is the more willing I became to depend on a Higher Power the more independent I became. I had found true independece spiritually...
When... Oh wow! Light bulb moment... I realized God had answered my prayer He did NOT desert me. He had shown me mercy and granted me grace... I was listening to a bunkies TV she was watching Cops when I put my plight into human terms...
What if I had a precious valuable item someone or something was tring to rob me of... what would I do? I would lock it up! I would keep it away until it was safe once again... ANSWERED Prayer! I AM A valued precious gift and the disease was stealing me away. I was soul sick spiritually dead. I cried! For the 1rst time I cried tears that cleansed my soul and renewed my Spirit.
on a final note in the 12 x 12 pg 37-38 Step 3...it teaches us "Therefore, we who are alcoholics can consider ourselves fortunate indeed. Each of us has had his own near-fatal encounter with the juggernaut of self-will, and has suffered enough under its weight to be willing to look for something better. So it is by circumstance rather than by any virtue that we have been driven to A.A., have admitted defeat, have acquiered the rudiments of faith, and now want to make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to a Higher power."
For me this shows it isnt about what we paid meterially but by what we have paid spiritually.
Thank You for letting me share!
On 15 Apr 2010 at 06:24 pm -
AA - by d10y
This has nothing to do with weather yet my story has to be told for most of you do not know what happened from my side of the fence. To do this after so much time has passed. I use to be a part of the Rogers family of North Pole, Alaska. That family who received the nicest gift that any family could receive. A home of their very own. And almost 30 million people watch them receive it. What a gift.
This is my side of the story and the reason I am writing this is to present what took place and to clarify a perception which will be never clarified that I walked out on my family and left them. That perception is a lie. I did not walk out on my family.
In order for me to do this I have to be real clear on why I am doing this. And I have to keep the focus on what happened because I am no different than any man who likes to take a small thing and blow it up to be a big thing. Like catching a fish 8 inches long and a week later telling the story that the fish is now 8 feet long. You get the idea. My life since the show aired in September 2006 has been in a vicious
cycle. A bottom if you like to think of it that way. I am going to make a change to my life and to do that I want to clear up and close the door not to ever speak about it again about what happened. After this
writing I will never again speak of this event. I do not expect anyone to believe what I have to say. It’s not about what you believe or perceive to believe. Its about me taking an inventory, writing about it, and sharing with you the truth because there are two sides to every story and you never got to hear my side. Cleaning house, shutting the door and moving on.
Where it began with me was in Fairbanks, Alaska doing the weather for CBS 13 News. It was the 3rd week of January 2005 Monday morning. It was snowing like crazy that morning and I came in to
record the weather to be aired later that day about the snow. Busy as I was I took a camera outside the station and did my weather thing coming back inside to edit the video when I got into an argument with the News Director about leaving a piece of equipment outside the station. A tripod to be exact. The argument continued to the point I left the station went to my second job where I did radio for KWLF(Old School Lunch) and it was there I was speaking with the General Manager on my cell phone as to what took place. That also turned into an argument to the point because I was so angry I told the General Manager I was taking the day off and cool off. I was not coming to work that night to do the weather. The General Manager did not agree with my decision to do that and requested that I do come to work. Angry as I was, I hung up on him. That took place at 11:30am. By 9:30pm same day, I went to the station to get ready for work the next day, walked to my desk to find an envelope with my name marked on it. It was a letter from the General Manager stating to me that I was terminated from the company. I am out of a job. Picked up my paycheck the next day. The only job I had was radio at KWLF and it was not the position where it was the main source of income. So the weather guy father of nine children, is out of work. The temperature was -18 and it was cloudy that day.
The very next day, unemployed I get a call from a News Director in Twin Falls, Idaho. I was shocked. I said to myself, no way was this happening but it did. The News Director in Twin Falls had my resume and requested a video resume of my work. I had been sending tapes to other stations for months and as we were chatting, I told him I ran out of tapes and would make him one for viewing. This conversation took place in my car and I just happened to be looking around and bingo, I found a tape to send to him. Went to the Fedex office and sent it out. The busiest place in Fairbanks between 8am and Noon is Fedex. I stood in line for 2 hours. I am thinking no way he is going to offer me a job and I just got fired from this job here in Fairbanks.
Driving to Seward, Alaska on Friday same week, I come up on Denali View on the Parks Highway and I get a call from that News Director in Twin Falls stating to me that he liked what he saw would I be
interested in working for his station. I told him how about we discuss it after the weekend, Monday and I would be able to speak at length. Called that Monday, did the deal Tuesday. I am on my way to
Twin Falls, Idaho to work at KMVT TV. Making more money there than in Fairbanks, Alaska. Not that much more but more plus, I had a job. One problem though. It was in Twin Falls, Idaho. Never
been there. Did not know anyone in Idaho. Did not know the station because I did not check it out. I needed a job so I jumped on it. And I still had kids in high school.
I told the family what was going to take place and I was to be in Twin Falls 2nd week in February. I was going to leave for Twin Falls the day after the Superbowl(I forgot who played but I know the Patriots won it). Betsy Rogers my wife at the time and not pleased with what happened worried about the move and the kids and all the normal family stuff. I made it a point to make concessions for this move. I was to leave ahead of them and I also had promised my son Nicholas(#4 of nine kids) that he was going to finish school and graduate. I was not going to pull him out early because of the job. Nicholas was a
junior at Ben Eielson High School at the time. It worked out like this, I was going to be away from the family about a year or until Nicholas graduated them I was going to bring them to Twin Falls, Idaho. This would have giving me enough time to look for a home and get settled there. That was the plan. So at 4:00am the Monday after the Superbowl I left for my journey to Twin Falls, Idaho. The last thing I said to my children was, I was not going to fail. Little did I know I already had failed. I arrived in Twin Falls, Idaho on February 14th 2005 at 1:30pm MST. I have only been back to Alaska twice since I left.
The first night on TV in Twin Falls, Idaho I said, “Do not adjust the color of your television set. My name is Michael Rogers.” and I took off. In my wildest dreams I never thought I would be a success in a
place where I did not know anyone. But I did and I thought I think the family would like it here. At least I had a job and a fresh start.
There were problems in the marriage. Big problems in the marriage, I thought maybe a new place fresh start in a new place, a change would make things better. I thought. Early in 2006 the marriage was over but nothing was done officially about it. I made arrangements and came to an verbal agreement which later became official that Betsy would take ownership of the house at 3633 Anton Street North Pole, Alaska. I will make this statement about the marriage and it’s my opinion only, there were opportunities to fix it if we chose to.
May 2006 I think I received a call from Betsy telling me about the opportunity of getting a house and being on the show Extreme Home Makeover. First thought that came to my mind was OMG you are going to get that house and I will loose my job here in Twin Falls because everyone will think I walked out on you. There were papers to sign and agreements to be made. First and foremost I told her that I would remain quite about the entire marriage situation and I would not say nothing. I feared it would jeopardize them getting the house. They were not to take ownership of the house until the show aired in September. I told her I would take the heat. I knew there was going to be stuff going on and it was. Especially where I was in Twin Falls. Emails, hate mails, I got them all. Bad ones. People I never knew from Alaska were just giving it to me. One night my tires on my car were slashed. And it wouldn’t stop.
I had to tell the station what was going on and I was scared they were going to fire me because of their image being tarnished. They feared like me that the perception of me leaving the family in Alaska to move here would cause damage. I was told at that time I had nothing to worry about. My job was secure. Little did I know that was only the tip of the iceberg.
This is hard for me to share. I must do it.
As the promos for the show began to air I am sensing something really bad is going to happen. Yet I was happy for them because they were to receive a gift that in no way shape of form I could have given them. The old house was a wreck and I knew it. But, good as I was doing what I do, I did not make enough nor was I going to even get close to a compensation that would support me and the family. Just because you have a lot of kids does not give you the right to demand big money. So what if you are a hard worker, they don’t have to pay you what you are worth. Talent has nothing to do with it and race did not either. They were not going to pay me end of story. And I got sick of being on Food Stamps, SICK OF IT. It’s not personal, its business or what I like to call showbiz. I wanted to climb to the top of the mountain, but I did not want to play the game. That was my downfall. I refuse to play the game. I only know one way. Work hard.
One week before the show aired I was coming to Alaska to see my kids and to watch Eielson vs North Pole in high school football. That is Nicholas to the right score before the half. I was fired from KMVT that week. The real reason why I wrote a NSF check. The News Director told me about it. I went to pay it and went to the wrong agency to pay it. My contract with KMVT states bad checks are grounds for termination and in their eyes I had not paid it. The truth of the matter is I did pay it but went to the wrong place to pay it. I was fired for that reason. I am not allowed on the property ever. If I set foot on the property I will be sent to jail. I have not been on the property since that day.
I got my final check plus vacation of $1800.00. My plane ticket was $900.00 round trip. I made a promise that I would come so I did. When I got there I never in my life felt so how should I say, ignored. It was bad. The hardest thing to get over was when the game ended and Eielson won, I had no home to go back to because I was no longer a part of the Rogers Family. That was a huge hole in my stomach.
92The show aired the next week on Sunday and as I watched I was in a state of shock. I almost committed suicide by driving off the Perrine Memorial Bridge in Twin Falls. The segment of the show where the family did their audition tape is where the lie is. Betsy stated that we were married for22 years and that I left and moved to Twin Falls, Idaho. That is not true. But the seed was planted its because of that statement that the perception of me walking out on the family took place and that statement will never change the perception in peoples minds. I lost out on jobs because of that statement. Three TV jobs that were very good paying jobs I did not get because the News Director felt that perception of me walking out on my family would give 107070_1558them a bad image. I DID NOT WALK OUT ON MY FAMILY.
I remained silent about the whole situation but I was hurting inside. I had a bleeding ulcer and almost died in August of 2009 because of the stress. I missed my children, yet and to this day they refuse to have any kind of relationship with me.
Close friends of mine those people who know me, I started asking them what was said about me there since I was not around. And it’s what I found out that most folks in the community of Fairbanks and North Pole all felt I walked out on the Rogers family and left them homeless. I find it hard to believe that there are people who listen to one side of the story and don’t take into account there are two sides. Now it does not matter. If I were to go on 60 Minutes with Mike Wallace and tell my side, you would not believe me. Perception is reality.
You now know my side and I tried to stay in focus and not go outside the lines with it. Yes there are more things that I may add to it but it does not matter any more. I did not walk out on my family. This is my side of the story.
As of today I am a truck driver and I am homeless. Yet I have a truck to sleep in, I do not have a home to live in when I get home. I met Leslie Maria Flores after the relationship with Betsy and I was over. We had a child whose name is Joseph. Joseph is three years old and it hurts to know he will never meet his siblings. Joseph says “I got brothers in Alaska, and they play football.” The relationship ended after 4 years together. That tells you I suck at relationships. I now support two families. Not complaining, I just do.
For you positive thinkers there are realities, the real stuff:
1. My radio and TV career is over. No one is going to hire me, especially in Fairbanks. Won’t happen. I don’t want to do it any more. I have my own website and I am working like crazy to make it work.
I have waited 30 years to say this. “You could not pay me enough to do weather or radio ever again.”
2. Even though most of you think that in time my children will come around. They won’t. Count on it.
3. I was never good at this radio and TV stuff. What I did well was become a people pleaser. I just did what you liked so you would not get mad. People pleasers live their lives so you won’t get mad at them. You on the other hand will take advantage of them. People pleasers hate confrontations, they get mad and walk away. I am not a people pleaser any more.
4. I wanted to get to the top of the mountain. I did not want to play the game.
5. I had no idea the the family did not want to leave. I put myself in a position where they were probably afraid to tell me.
6. I will take care of my family and Joseph. I won’t quit on them.
7. After all of this, I have felt it not necessary to take a drink. 23 years now. The only thing that I did correctly.
8. After you read this your perception will not change. That’s ok. Did not expect it to.
This is my side of the story. Thank you now I can move on.
On 19 May 2010 at 08:05 am -
AA - by miycalr
